2004-12-06 - 1:23 a.m.
Last night i dreamed of you. of love and lust
and something lost.
i saw it all around
in eyes and faces.
secret smiles, secret lives.
i was entrenched in a world of feeling.
but not for me.
not for me was love, was lust.
for me, there was nothing to lose.
i was surrounded by their feeling,
but a step outside it all.
i was caught- the observer
standing in akward silence.
no response for their jubilation when all i feel is nothing-
when all if feel is cold. apathetic nothing.
But i smile.
i laugh.
i pretend to feel.
i pretentd that everything is fine.
really, i hate it.
i hate being false.
i hate making myself be cheery.
i hate smiling when i don't mean it,
when anyone who looked in my eyes would see the ever-so-aparent lies.
but here it seems real.
here i am nothing.
in this dream, i know nothing but cold-
and the quiet observations of others' joy.
or pain.
their feelings.
their brilliant world with all of the technicolor feelings.
and you. and me.
i dreamed of you and me.
of love. and lust.
and something lost
in a world where i couldn't feel the pain.
