2005-04-07 - 10:46 a.m.
i knew the moment he walked in.
i don't know how i knew,
but i knew.
It wasn't a mystical thing,
or a premonition of any sort-
just a heavy feeling,
a tightening in the back of my neck,
a weight returning to my soul.
i turned to look back over my shoulder,
and there he was.
6 feet 2 inches of unashamed abandonment.
i felt my stomach begin to braid itsself,
my heart dove onto the table in front of me.
i couldn't breathe.
Months of avoidance hadn't helped.
He takes my breath away,
his presence chills me to my core-
a blackhole.
a vaccuum sucking the joy from my existence,
stripping away my life.
i don't know why anymore.
i stole another glance.
And another,
but the vision didn't fade,
like so many dreams before.
For the first time in far too many months,
i felt my face grow hot.
The world was roaring in my ears.
i can't explain it.
i wanted to go hit him,
to hit him hard.
to hurt him as badly as he'd hurt me.
Instead i smiled too-polite a smile,
and casually ignored him.
Until we were face to face,
forced together by the hands of fate.
i felt my words before i heard them
"What do you think i am, stupid?"
Then, the breifest moment,
an eternity of silence.
And his reply:
"... What do you think I am, stupid???"
Mocking and sarcastic.
But, i didn't cry.
i couldn't.
To cry would make the moment real.
Tears would reopen that wound i'm not ready to face,
the wound i casually ignore.
